FistingEnthusiast

Redgifs might be the closest option

My IBS keeps me from trying to be funny in a crowded room like I used to do

Drunk at a pretentious Italian restaurant

I was having a piss at the urinal

Luckily, my undies bore the brunt, but it resulted in said undies being binned and me feeling decidedly unclean until I could get home and shower

Fisting

I’m really good at fisting

There’s a reason why women hate you:

Because you deserve it.